Life with LOVE and HIV

By Yukina Kasahara

I kicked fallen leaves, and looked up into a cloudy sky. The wind was blowing hard. I felt a little chilly. There were many families and couples in the park. I looked sideways at them. A nestling couple passed me. They looked very happy as if they had absolutely nothing to worry about. I was waking with a quick step to not try to remember his face. In spite of my exertions, I remembered it clearly like a flashback.

It happened a week ago. It was so unexpected. My boyfriend and I had just finished dinner in his room as usual. He sat cross-legged, and stared into my eyes. He said that word clearly.
--Please, don't be shocked...actually, I am an HIV carrier.
I went black for a moment. I didn't understand what he was saying. His voice was distant.
--I'm very sorry...I shouldn't have told you anyway.
I looked at his knees and hands on them in an absent way. I had no courage to look at his face. I didn't know what I should say. After few minutes, I opened my mouth at last.
--Why didn't you tell it to me before now?
He said after a little silence.
--I was scared to be hated by you if I have told you.
He looked about to cry. I wanted to deny his worry, but I couldn't. I was already starting to be afraid of him.
--Please don't worry. You are not HIV carrier, because I've always used a condom.
That was certainly true, but I couldn't remove the fear that I might have caught HIV. I was just about to cry with anger at him, and fear of the disease. What was HIV? What will be happen to him and me...? I hardly knew about HIV.
We kept quiet a long time. There were still some plates on the table. I couldn't think anything. I said in a very weak voice.
--I'm sorry. I was confused now. I'll go back home.
I rose from the floor, and walked quickly to the door. I couldn't see his face.